IN family life Every person has different troubles, especially when it comes to disagreements between two people. One of the main components of every family is sex, because it is on it that mutual passion and the desire to please the partner are built.
When the passion subsides, many couples they begin to feel that they are not so happy together, and there are quite enough other potential partners. Someone begins to look for a lover or mistress, and someone gets divorced, realizing that this relationship has come to an end. What to do if your husband no longer excites you? What are the ways to solve this problem? You will find the answers below.
Why don't you want sex with your loved one?
Sometimes the problem is with the partner, and sometimes in the woman herself. Some people believe that everyday life, and sometimes the people around them, are to blame. If you suddenly realized that your beloved husband no longer excites you, do not rush to file for divorce, there is a high probability that everything is not so bad. This could happen due to the fact that you spent too much time on work, and sex took a back seat for you.
There is a high probability that Darling For some time he tried to impress you, but he himself soon despaired. Maybe he stopped exciting you because he took a mistress, and now he is absolutely not interested in you as a woman. Or maybe it's all about your perception. Sometimes a woman stops wanting sex if her beloved husband at some point said something offensive to her or acted in a way she did not expect. In any case, you must take care not only of yourself, but also of him, because it is not a fact that only your loved one is to blame.
What should you do if your loved one no longer excites you?
1. Try to awaken your. You should try to fantasize and make your body filled with excitement. Watch pornographic films, read erotic books and think: what kind of man would you like to be with right now? If you see your beloved husband in front of you, then the problem is quite solvable. The simple point is that he stopped worrying about your arousal, eager to have sex as soon as possible. Some men constantly appear in front of their beloved in lounge pants and a stretched T-shirt, and then wonder why she does not want to have an intimate relationship with him.
2. Tell your husband what turns you on. Surely you would like to see next to you attractive man, who would not only speak beautifully, but also look beautiful. That is why try to convey to him the idea that it would be nice to go to Gym, more often wear stylish things that you recently gave him and get a fashionable haircut. So over time, you will be able to see a man next to you who would excite your imagination. If you don’t work on yourself or your husband, then you will see someone who doesn’t get turned on even with the help of special pills.
3. Think about your grievances. Often women who feel a lack of sexual attraction towards their beloved husband harbor resentment towards him, sometimes without fully realizing it. Try to remember how he could have offended you or what he did that you didn’t like. Sometimes one day is not enough for this, and sometimes even the help of a specialist is required. To dig out a long-standing resentment inside your soul, you need to be honest with yourself and the ability to admit your mistakes. Maybe he said that your figure is far from ideal, and now you can’t relax, every time thinking about how critically he will look at you and evaluate you. Maybe he showed himself not to be at its best, drinking too much, or something else.
4. Perhaps it's all about his attitude towards his body. A woman’s desire to observe the rules of hygiene does not go away depending on how long she is married. Men often strive to be perfect only at the beginning of a relationship. All this can negatively affect the quality of sex, because not every woman is ready to tolerate foreign odors and vegetation on those parts of the body where it should not be.
Just ask your loved one to pay more attention to deleting hygiene. Buy him a fragrant shower gel, a razor, deodorant and eau de toilette that he likes. The desire to maintain hygiene is a habit that can be easily instilled.
5. Feel welcome. Many women cease to feel sexual attraction to their beloved husband, but do not even realize that the reason is in themselves. Sometimes it may be the inability to feel desired. If you approach the mirror and don’t notice how sexy you are, there’s a good chance that the man you love will soon stop making you want sex.
What needs to be done in order to change the attitude towards yourself? Buy beautiful lingerie, create seductive curls more often and use sexy perfume. Sometimes even oil helps to give the skin a bronze tint or a beautiful shine. Learn to transform your body into something mysterious and magical. There is no need to apply a kilogram of correctors and blush; beautiful wings and voluminous eyelashes will be enough. Do a photo shoot in luxurious lingerie, wear stilettos more often, and learn to walk gracefully.
6. Visit a sex shop together. No matter how uncomfortable it may be, you must force yourself to visit an adult store. Sometimes just adding a couple of accessories to your daily sex life can change everything for the better. Just accustom yourself to the fact that no one but you cares about yours. intimate life will not take care, so sometimes it is important to purchase an unusual outfit, auxiliary accessories and various sensation enhancers. Be sure to go to the store with your husband to choose something that you both will like.
7. Go for a consultation. Sometimes the problem sits deep inside, and getting to the bottom of it is not so easy. Some women cope on their own, while others need the help of a psychologist. You may only need to attend a couple of sessions, and your problems will not be so critical. If you choose a real professional, there is a high chance that you will be able to get rid of the existing problem forever.
Sex in our society plays a huge role in self-affirmation. Recent Study Has Virginity Lost Its Virtue? Relationship Stigma Associated With Being a Sexually Inexperienced Adult. showed that virgins also do not want to enter into relationships with other virgins.
At the same time, the “norm” we have established in the amount of sex creates a vicious circle. Many women are “cool macho” and at the same time “womanizer”, few women are “losers”. Many men are a girl “with reduced social responsibility” who “no one will marry.” Virgin - “boring in bed”, “will cheat.”
As a result, everyone ends up at the tail end of the race for recognition through sex. So, for starters, we suggest you remember one thing: everyone has their own norm for the amount of sex, and if it’s once every six months and you’re comfortable with it, then that’s normal. Even a complete lack of sex, if it doesn’t bother you, is also normal.
But sometimes libido decreases sharply compared to the usual state. And this is far from uncommon.
According to research, 30–40% of people around the world experience a lack of interest in sex for at least several months of the year.
The reasons for this phenomenon are complex, because libido is affected not only by the emotional state, but also by taking medications, health problems (which you may not know about), stress, physical fatigue, cycle phase, and so on.
We will try to analyze the most popular of them and offer a solution to the problem.
Taking medications
Erectile dysfunction and decreased libido - side effects a huge number of drugs. Antidepressants can lead to this result (30–80% experience this). Psychopharmacology for the Clinician. people, this is one of the main reasons for refusing treatment), opioid painkillers, oral contraceptives, antihistamines, anti-anxiety medications, medications for hair loss, birth control and many others.
If you are taking any of these medications and feel less sexual desire than usual, go to your doctor, describe the problem and ask him to find an alternative remedy for you.
Contrary to popular belief, drugs like Viagra will not help you if you have decreased libido and, since the problem in most cases is not solved by blood flow to the genitals. And the possible side effects of Viagra are no better:
- headache;
- stomach upset;
- blurred vision;
- eye sensitivity to light;
- sudden decrease or loss of vision in one or both eyes;
- abnormally prolonged erection, which can harm the penis;
- irregular heartbeat;
- stroke;
- heart attack, which can lead to death.
If it is not possible to stop taking any of the medications that reduce libido, “natural Viagra” can help. This is L-arginine - an amino acid, a precursor of nitric oxide, which leads to relaxation of smooth muscles in blood vessels. As a result, they expand and blood flows more freely.
L-arginine can also increase microcirculation in the reproductive tissues, which leads to increased erections and sexual sensitivity. But your doctor should prescribe such a remedy, since solving the problem often requires an integrated approach.
Health problems
The reasons for decreased desire are one of the most popular questions in Tatyana Nikonova’s sex education blog. And sometimes the question is formulated like this: “How to relieve stress from a partner in order to increase his desire?”
In response, Tatyana told her story.
All last year I basically didn’t want sex, and then it turned out that I had a vitamin D deficiency. For other indications, the endocrinologist prescribed horse doses to increase it to normal levels, and now I really want it. Question: How would removing unnecessary worries revive my desire for sex? No way. How could I have guessed that I had a vitamin deficiency if the doctor had not sent me for testing? No way either. How would I feel if my partner said that he was humiliated by my refusals? Under pressure because of responsibility for something I have no idea about and have no control over.
General health really has a huge impact on your sex life. For example, an increase in blood sugar levels or simply the constant presence of sweets in the diet can actually turn off Monosaccharide-induced lipogenesis regulates the human hepatic sex hormone-binding globulin gene. a gene that is responsible for sex hormones.
Therefore, if you have not had the desire for several weeks, but you are not taking medications from the list above, you do not have relationship problems or stress, then it is best not to delay going to the doctor. Decreased libido can be caused by increased blood pressure, high cholesterol, smoking, changes in hormonal levels, diabetes mellitus and much more.
Fatigue and stress
Fatigue is not an ephemeral condition that will pass in one day or that can be ignored because “everyone gets tired.”
If there has recently been a strong shock in your life - a move, exams, the death of a relative, then most likely the desire will return when the problem is solved or you cope with the worries.
But a serious, long-term change in life is another reason for a decrease in sexual desire. Emigration, financial instability - all this forces us to live at an unusual rhythm.
The birth of children generally changes life for many years to come, and fatigue becomes a permanent condition. Stress causes the body to produce cortisol, a hormone that is incompatible with sexual desire.
In this case, reorganizing everyday life and distributing responsibilities can help. But this should be on an ongoing basis, and not for a week, otherwise fatigue will quickly return or simply will not have time to recede.
It’s also worth adding more time to your regime for your loved one, even at the expense of other things. Prolonged stress wears down the body, and it won't be long before lack of desire is no longer your only problem.
Relationship problem
If a decrease in sexual desire has found you in a relationship, then before checking all the above points, you should answer the question of whether everything in it suits you.
Perhaps the sex in this relationship was never great and when the time of falling in love passed, it became too obvious? Perhaps you are limited in expressing feelings and emotions and your sexual desire has never been important? Perhaps you just want something new, but you don't know? Perhaps you have become less likely to want to have sex, but you are happy with it, but your partner is not?
Talking about sex is difficult. But there is only one piece of advice - start talking about it. A partner who treats you as an individual and respects your wishes will accept them and be willing to go without sex for a long time if, for example, you are being treated for depression.
Anyone who waits must remember: sex may not return. Especially if the problem is still a different norm for each of you. And no amount of persuasion and “ideal courtship” will make a person want more than he needs.
For many, sexual activity is an important part of life and relationships, but you need to remember that problems with libido are common. You should first take care of your health, and not wait for it to “go away on its own.”
Men often turn to sexologists with complaints that the wife does not want intimacy, which is inferior to the husband only out of necessity. But before marriage, everything was completely different - a woman’s desire to have sex was no less than that of her partner and their sex life was very rich and varied. It happens that women also contact:
“I’ve been married for ten years now. We are a good couple, we have two wonderful children. Everything would be just perfect if it weren’t for the disputes over intimacy. I’m tired at work and also take care of the house and children, so in the evening I don’t feel like having sex at all - I have only one thought in my head - how to get to bed as quickly as possible.
There is no longer any strength left for intimacy. My husband, on the contrary, is in full combat readiness in the evening, and my refusals have a depressing effect on him. So it turns out that we only have sex once a week, on Fridays, when I’m not so tired. My husband is very unhappy about this. At first he delicately hinted to me that he wanted intimacy more often, and recently he began to say directly that our sex life did not satisfy him. Sex is the only reason for our quarrels; on all other issues we have complete agreement. I even suggested that my husband go to a sexologist, but he replied: “Why is that? Neither you nor I have any problems, we just need to do this more often.” What do you advise?"
Sexologists answer
Motherhood and fatherhood are not as simple as they seem. The appearance of children in a family significantly changes marital relationships, including in the area of intimacy. Changing priorities cannot be discounted. A young wife focuses most of her interests on her beloved, but when she has children from this man, a significant part of her attention, concern, and love is transferred to them. This is normal, this is natural, this is how nature created women. Mothers often and willingly hug, kiss, and caress their babies. At the same time, the woman unconsciously, without realizing it, satisfies her own need for physical touch. All living beings have this need. Without physical contact, people experience tactile hunger, and it can be no less acute than real hunger. This may be exactly what is happening to your husband.
It is possible that your need for intimacy has “dozed off” because you pay a lot of attention to your children and give them that part of your bodily warmth that is intended for your husband. In a word, he can be understood. But we can understand you too. Your husband’s dissatisfaction, his reproaches, his demands for intimacy turn this pleasant activity into an additional responsibility for you - one of many that you face as a working mother of two small children. The solution to your family problem is as follows. It is advisable for you to relieve yourself of some of your household responsibilities in order to devote more time to yourself and your body. This will reawaken your sex drive and bring intimacy back into your bedroom. Take a moment to have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how tired you are and think together about how you can make your household work easier. Perhaps your husband should take on some of the housework himself or organize your life in some other way - for example, periodically invite a nanny for the children or a house cleaning assistant so that you have the opportunity to relax and gain strength. And one more piece of advice for your husband. Instead of reproaching his wife for her lack of desire, it is better for him to ask what turns her on the most, what gives her pleasure.
Since such questions arise very often, we are publishing an article on the topic of the characteristics of female libido.
A woman’s sexual desire or why the wife doesn’t want intimacy
A woman's sexual desire largely depends on hormones. Libido often decreases after the birth of a child and in cases of thyroid disease, as well as as a result of taking hormonal pills. What else increases or decreases the desire to have sex?
Hormones are often blamed for the lack of desire for intimacy. It's true, hormones are largely responsible for a woman's mood and desire for intimacy. When it comes to a woman's monthly cycle, presence cyclical fluctuations sex hormones have a significant impact on libido levels. So, in the first stage of the ovulation cycle, estrogen dominates, which causes a greater desire for sex. After ovulation, the hormone progesterone increases in a woman’s body and libido decreases. Most low level female libido - shortly before menstruation due to a decrease in levels of both progesterone and estrogen.
Sensitivity endocrine system explains the frequent drop in libido after use hormonal contraception- many women, in order to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy Thus, quite unexpectedly, they begin to lose their mood and desire for intimacy with their husband.
Wife doesn't want intimacy after childbirth
Libido levels, among other things, also depend on prolactin, a hormone produced in high concentrations in women after childbirth. High prolactin levels block ovulation and cause decreased sex drive. This is a natural phenomenon to prevent another pregnancy from occurring too quickly. Prolactin gives a woman’s body time to recover and allows her to focus on caring for the baby’s condition. High levels Prolactin levels can also be caused by other reasons, such as surgery or a pituitary tumor.
Thyroid hormones also influence desire for intimacy
Not all of us know that a small gland - the thyroid gland - is also responsible for readiness for intimacy or reluctance to have sex. Meanwhile, hypothyroidism or Hashimoto's disease also causes a decrease in libido. In this case, it is necessary to consult a good specialist, conduct tests on various levels of thyroid hormones and receive appropriate treatment.
Little things that influence a woman's interest in sex
Regardless of female hormones, choice contraception and their influence on sexual desire, scientists continue to study and research what influences a woman’s desire for sex. Here are some interesting facts:
Chocolate increases the desire for intimacy- Dark chocolate increases dopamine levels and the bioflavonoids contained in it are good for blood vessels, which improves blood circulation. The doses contained in chocolate and sugar can add energy for love affairs. However, chocolate does have a “dark side” - two years ago, the world was greeted by research results that showed that more than a third of women prefer to eat chocolate instead of... sex. The research was conducted by a dessert manufacturer, but may be highly reliable given that women often seek comfort in sweets. So chocolate - yes, but only in small quantities and only dark chocolate!
Research has shown positive effect of glass and red wine on women's desire for sexual intercourse. Red wine dilates blood vessels and increases blood flow to key areas of arousal, but very a large number of alcohol has the exact opposite effect - it can reduce sexual performance, acts as a sedative and suppresses libido.
Red color is associated with passion and sex. In a study published in the journal experimental psychology scientists have discovered that women want men dressed in red because it is sexier.
Why a woman doesn't want a man - reasons
“In the beginning, we had sex three times a day, anywhere. Now she doesn't want me anymore, doesn't want intimacy. When we do this, it is always on my initiative, and she often refuses."
This is a very common situation that couples often find themselves in after a year or two of relationship or marriage.
- A man's desire for sex does not depend on his emotional state. Perhaps he quarreled with a woman, and after that, after 10 minutes, he has a desire for intimacy with her. A woman's desire for sex is entirely determined by her emotional relationship with her husband. If a woman feels comfortable, if he has created positive emotions, the woman wants the man and this increases the desire for intimacy with him.
- It is much more important for a woman to communicate with her partner before the act. Daily communication, romantic gestures and foreplay. The emotions associated with these gestures make her want intimacy with men.
- At the beginning of a relationship, a man feels admiration for a woman. This naturally happens in his attitude towards her. Looks, touches, kisses, kind gestures feed her imagination, emotions increase her sexual desire. Over time, the man gets used to it and stops treating her as a special woman. This leads to a weakening of her emotions and, consequently, reduces her sexual desire.
- When a man wants intimacy (or worse, in the case of intimacy with a woman, as a “commitment”), it worsens the situation. If a man insists on sex, the woman feels pressure and the desire for intimacy disappears completely. She can satisfy his request, but does not experience any positive emotions.
Don't want sex 24/7- It’s normal not to want it in principle - it’s either a diagnosis or a solvable problem. Let's just not confuse it with frigidity and not make diagnoses without a doctor's prescription.
We are only talking about a situation where desire disappears for specific and vital reasons in a marriage or relationship (it doesn’t matter).
This question is relevant even for those who do not have a permanent partner.
American neuroscientist Billy Gordon said that there are three periods: always and everywhere, on a schedule and in the corridor. At the same time, according to him, in the corridor
husband and wife intersect only to send each other away.To prevent relationships and life from reaching this sad stage, let’s figure out whether it’s normal when you don’t want sex and how to revive sexual desire.
The main question is: why?
It all starts with simple complexities - pure biology.
In women, libido levels fluctuate even depending on the phases menstrual cycle. And if hormonal medications, antidepressants, antibiotics, age and illness fall from above... the consequences are obvious.
In men, from a biological point of view, there can only be several reasons for a drop in libido: health and psychology. From here we can move on to the general.
The simplest example is physical fatigue (although men with a strong sexual constitution can even treat fatigue with sex).
For example, a man is actively building a business in its early stages and puts all his strength into it, or a married couple has a child - everything is important here, from the fatigue of one partner to the total overwork of both.
Moreover, the main indicator of the latter is the phrase familiar to many couples: “Can I sleep?” and “Let’s not today?”
“Apotheosis” - when both partners literally pass out by touching their head to the pillow, no matter already or even after working with a laptop on the sofa.
Here it’s not only about physical labor, but also about the need to keep in mind and do 1000 and 1 tasks.
Is there some more 4 main reasonsreasons why you don’t want sex:
1. Complexes… Because of small breasts, penis, big butt or narrow shoulders, acne and hairy legs. What else is on the list?
With such an attitude towards yourself and your own body, there is a direct path to abstinence without real reasons. And the consequences are not at all rosy.
There is an old saying on this topic: “There is no sex because there are acne, and acne is because there is no sex...”.
Scientists are still arguing about whether this quality is innate or acquired. Many people believe that asexuality- this is a tribute to fashion. A kind of fight against the consequences of the sexual revolution. But this also happens.
When is it time to sound the alarm?
People have sex at different rhythms: for some every day, for others once a month.
This is a question of sexual constitution, character, state of health.
But no one canceled it either.And the question is not only about the nature of sexual behavior. But also in the amount of sex that suits two people.
Sometimes the extinction of desire is confused with its desire for normalcy. There are couples in which at the beginning of the relationship the partners attack each other in any convenient place and they never have enough time.
And after a while the attraction returns to normal. Sometimes it may seem like there's not enough sex, especially when compared to the past.
But this is not a reason to sound the alarm. Excess sex also does not lead to good things, on the one hand. On the other hand, it has its own psychological implications.
And if partners enter a mode that is comfortable for both, but there is less sex overall, there is nothing wrong.
You need to worry if the lack of sex makes a person unhappy. If it causes physical or moral inconvenience.
How to deal with this?
Not an option. If there is no desire at all and for quite a long time, perhaps this is a reason to contact a sexologist and, most likely, also a psychologist.
In all other cases, you and your partner just need to get involved and work on yourself and the relationship, otherwise without sex you will lose it.
- Discuss your experiences.If you miss sex, talk to him honestly about it. Only without complaints and reproaches like “I don’t have enough and too fast.”
It is useful for each of us to speak calmly and reasonedly with our partner. Running away from a relationship because the desire has disappeared is the simplest and “weakest” way out.
- Get rid of complexes: Don’t let yourself go, that’s neglect. If you don’t like folds on the sides, there are only two options: fitness or loving folds (the first, of course, will be more useful).
Sexuality is not 90-60-90 for a woman and steel abs for a man, it is a healthy physical shape and internal state.
- Respect personal space.You need to occupy your time not only with your partner, give yourself and him the opportunity to “get bored,” create intrigue and a reason to experiment.
And fight boredom in sex: role-playing games, toys, new positions and settings - there are a million options.
- Don't forget about foreplay.Tenderness is exactly what spouses often lack. Everyday life and routine are the enemies of romance; they come where there is no tenderness.
“Wash your socks, iron your shirt” and “Buy a bow, a brush and toilet paper" - these are not manifestations of love and are far from best friends romance.
In a relationship, you can’t think only about yourself; every time you need to remember that your partner usually also works or is busy with something, also gets tired and also wants to hear a “kind word.”
Is it necessary to cope?
Today, from every iron they trumpet how important sex is. An excess of ideal naked bodies, without obligations and just for health, literally tells partners: “You don’t have to strain, there’s an option!”
Maybe so, but then the majority complain that the normal ones have been taken apart, that “men only think about one thing,” and “women only need money.”
But we are all real people, with our own temperaments, moods and desires. There is no need to demand the impossible from yourself and your partner.
Just enjoy life and remember that in a normal relationship, difficulties can only be overcome under two conditions: understanding and good sex.
Svetlana Grabova,
sexologist Growth Phase