What to do if your sister. How to get your little sister to stop pestering you. Sometimes it was difficult for her to resist your “thorns”

In some ways you are lucky. If the son agreed with the unspoken idea that he should love his sister, that feelings of anger and frustration towards her are unacceptable, then he would direct the rage with which he is now offending the baby towards himself, and would probably begin to attract your attention illnesses, injuries, harboring some unresolved grievances that provoke psychosomatic symptoms in the future. All behavior is a message. Aggression towards a sister is a message that is difficult to avoid.

The truth is that your son does not have to love your daughter. And you don’t have to be happy that you have it. Moreover, she has the right to be angry with you and with her because the youngest requires parental care and attention. He was your only son, and you were his only mother. In the boy’s logic, you had another child because you were somehow dissatisfied with the previous one.

You are an adult and are able to accommodate love for many people in your heart; you know how to deftly take care of many. Son - Small child, and for him such tasks are new and pose a serious challenge. How can he solve them when he is scared of losing you?

Before you start drowning in guilt, remember that you are an adult and taking care of several children because you want to and because you have something to give them. You decide how many of them you will have, and you protect each of them from any danger, including each other.

How to resolve conflict between children in the family

It seems to me that the first step towards resolving the situation should be recognition of the son’s right to all the feelings and desires that he experiences, including those that are socially disapproved, unpleasant and that do not coincide with your expectations.

But emotions and behavior are not the same thing. You will have to bring the boy back to the idea again and again that you understand how angry/upset/scared he is, but you cannot allow him to harm himself or the baby. Just like you can't let her hurt him.

Perhaps it makes sense to introduce a temporary requirement not to approach the younger one at all: “You are angry with your sister (voice the feeling that, as you understand from previous experience in naming the boy’s states, is better) and you often offend her. I want us all to get some rest. Don't go near your sister at all. You can play with her later if you want.”

It is important that measures to suppress specific behavior do not actually mean deprivation of attention and contact. Simply driving away your son for torturing the baby means making the situation worse.

You just need to separate the children in space, but give something to both. Experiment with elements of massage and general variations on the theme of touching, hugging, active games and the like. When the little one requires care, you often don’t have the opportunity to take care of the older one. Your task is to saturate the boy with contact for the future, when he has a minute for this, and then it will be easier for him to meet you halfway and go through the moments when he needs to focus on the younger one.

The practice of “verbal interventions”

On the other hand, develop the practice of “verbal interventions”. You can take care of the baby and say that you see your son. “I’m busy right now, you can draw, wash your dishes or play with the construction set. What will you choose?

When the boy begins to do something on his own and does not distract you, do not leave positive behavior unattended, describe it from time to time:

"Wow, I see you draw great lines; they're long and bright."

“Look how much foam you have on your sponge. I wonder if it’s possible to soap a plate as much as your hands?”

“Your tower is very high and level.”

You can show that you see emotions and appreciate how he copes with them and how he behaves when he manages to behave well: “I noticed that you miss you. Come on, I'll change the baby's clothes and we'll choose a book for you together. You can sit and wait for me (if the boy chose this, point out that you are glad how patiently the person sits and waits) or play with the cars (show interest: “You chose the red one. How fast does it go / how high does it climb in the garage “)” And so on without end and edge.

Not only a description of feelings, but also a statement of what the boy is doing shows that you notice him, that you are to some extent with him even when you do your own things with him. It happens that it brings relief to a person when someone is grieving or angry with him.

Be fair

If your son whines or is indignant that you are again “messing with this one instead of him,” maybe whining or growling together is better than a thousand words? The secret of the operation is sincerity. You look at the situation differently and more broadly, but some part of you must truly share what is overwhelming the baby, otherwise instead of empathy you will get ridicule.

Seek and help your son see the benefits of adulthood. Not speculative, but very specific and really valuable to him. He is already allowed something that the younger one is forbidden; he has access to something exciting, but she does not. He must have personal space and the inviolability of personal belongings.

Look for reasons to show that the rules are the same for everyone, and you will protect him from the inappropriate actions of the little one with the same pressure and firmness as you protect her from him.

Of course, any correspondence advice is for informational purposes only. As they say, “there are contraindications, consultation with a specialist is necessary.”

If you feel that you cannot find the right line of behavior and simple self-information does not help, an in-person consultation will help you choose the techniques and approaches needed in your situation and hone the technique of their implementation.

A bad relationship with your sister can start at any age. Constant squabbles, quarrels, resentments, growing hostility explode in the heart with pain over and over again. But I really wanted something else: to have a good friend in my sister, with whom I could consult, relax, and joke. Is it possible to fix everything and still improve relations with your sister? Or at least how to stop hating her? We are looking for answers to these questions with the help of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

● Why is your sister so bad? Why is she doing everything against me?
● Why can’t I build a good relationship with my sister, no matter how hard I try?
● Why can't I stop hating my sister?
● What should I do if I hate my sister? What actions are correct?

Relationships between children in the same family are not always formed in a positive direction. Children are competitors in life, they fight for everything in the world: for mom, for a toy, for food. To a lesser extent, this competition is reflected in children of different sexes and with a large age gap (although it cannot be said that it is absent altogether).

A small child is a bundle of desires, such an egocentric person. Another child in the family is simply an obstacle to access to the realization of his desires. Squabbles, resentments, hostility are normal phenomena that always exist in any family. Another thing is that sometimes it happens that childhood, and then adult, discord between siblings has the potential to turn into a long negative trace.

Sisters are opposites

A common life scenario of conflict between sisters can occur when one sister has an anal vector, and the other has a cutaneous-visual ligament vector. These girls have completely different behavior, different desires, even different body movements. It seems like they can't be sisters, but that's exactly what they are.

The anal girl has been obedient since childhood, her connection with her mother is limitless, she wants to be a good daughter. She is an excellent student (often an excellent student at school), always cleans her room, helps her mother around the house, and never leaves the house wearing wrinkled clothes.

The skin-visual girl is different - from early childhood she begins to flirt with boys. And with everyone, indiscriminately. Even with the boy my sister likes. She does not strive for cleanliness, and if her mother says something, she is in no hurry to do it.

Already in very early childhood, as soon as such children begin to express their desires, their opposite is visible: the anal sister is slightly offended, the skin sister gets angry. But if anger passes quickly, then grievances remain stuck for many years. If in childhood the reasons for quarrels are primitive - own desires, then in youth everything changes. Often the anal sister cannot stand the skin, not even because of herself, but because of her behavior with her mother - without respect, without piety. It seems to her through herself that the way the skin-visual sister acts with her mother is impossible to even imagine.

The birth of your own children also becomes a cause for resentment. Anal and skin mother cannot be the same, but we always judge the other through ourselves. Read real story from life about a 30-year-old resentment of one sister against another, which was overcome in the article “The Story of a Resentment.”

There can be many reasons for a bad relationship with your sisters.

Children in the same family almost always have different vectors. But desires in vectors are not repeated, which means that my sisters and I are often doomed to misunderstanding, even to the point of hatred. Children are not yet limited by culture, shame, or law. Therefore, when a child does not have what he wants, aggression arises. Conflicts between sisters are very different and directly depend on their vectors. They are often quite superficial, but can still leave deep, unconscious wounds.

For example, visual girls are very emotional. They can laugh here and cry here. If such a girl has a sonic sister, problems may begin. The sound player is closed and closed, no emotions come out. She needs peace and quiet, and her sister’s noise, her constant chirping on the phone, her bright clothes, and her penchant for partying are annoying, causing hostility and sometimes even hatred.

An oral sister is almost always a problem for both the visual and, even more so, the auditory. Jokes on obscene topics, swearing, loud screaming, constant attention to oneself: the visual sister can get shyness from the oral one, the auditory one can withdraw into her own world.

The topic of beauty between sisters is also important: especially if this topic is picked up by parents, comparing them with each other. “Our Valya has such beautiful legs,” my mother will say, buying her sister a skirt, and the second one already understands that the comparison is not in her favor. After all, such phrases are inevitable: everyone will do them - if not parents, then classmates, relatives, neighbors. In such a situation, it is easy for one child to be deprived of support under his feet, and this means to cause in him rejection from his sister, hatred of her as an object of envy.

There are many stories, they can be listed and listed, but they have the same essence. No matter how much you would like to exchange your sister for another person, it is impossible. All you can do is change your view of her behavior.

How to improve your relationship with your sister? How can I stop hating her?

Of course, if parents taught their children to understand the differences between people in early childhood, many problems simply would not arise. Great importance also includes the cultural education of children, instilling in them moral categories. Then they have more or less a good relationship, without hatred and hostility.

But in conditions modern world This rarely happens. We don't know ourselves, let alone others. It's not about what was said or done, it's about living happily. With hatred towards your sister, this is unlikely to happen. Hatred is always a feeling that destroys life and makes it harder. Therefore, it is necessary to get rid of hatred. And this is possible!

Hello Aida

I carefully read your letter and the phrase:

I’m jealous of my cousin’s mother, and my mother communicates more with her and not with me. she consults with her. asks her everything. and when I’m alone with her, there’s dead silence, as if she’s not my mother.

one of the key ones for me and here's why:

Your entire letter is permeated with pain and your disagreement with the way your mother treats you and your cousin. Mother- most main man for every child, and for you too, despite the fact that you have already defined yourself as -daddy's daughter. I understand that it’s unlikely that you yourself chose whose daughter you should be; rather, it happened in your family, due to the lack spiritual closeness with mother. It didn’t work out with her, so you already chose what you have - dad. At the same time, you continue to vigilantly watch your mother and where her attention becomes greater in relation to your sister, you again feel a pang of jealousy and the same pain in the chest. Jealousy- this is low self-esteem and constant comparison of oneself with others, which means - lack of confidence in itself.

I wish you could understand The main thing- it's not about your sister, but in your mother, or rather, in her actions. There could be anyone in your sister’s place and your mother will lead in the same way - paying more attention to others than to you. Maybe it’s her desire to show her hospitality, maybe there are other motives, But... lack of her attention to you and Of course there is love.

Try talking to your mom frankly, without complaining or reproaching her, but having just said about your feelings and your pain, which you hide from everyone all the time. Tell her about how you miss her affection, warmth and expressions of tenderness towards you and say that her attention is for you very important now more than ever. For some reason I'm sure that mom just doesn’t even notice or assume that you are suffering so much from her inattention to you. Sometimes people want everyone to guess what is on their mind or what is in their soul. It's better not to think like that and sit and wait until mom finally sees something for herself. She - your mother and that means you have every right to talk to her about your problems, about your feelings and ask her to finally let you I heard. Don't be afraid and don't hide in your room and act like Victim, no matter how mom treats her sister, he is not her mother , and yours, do you understand?

Don't demand from mom Love and attention, namely, tell her about it so that it does not sound like a reproach or complaint. People don't like it when they they say that they are bad, people love it when they are only praised (by many). And most importantly, ask yourself a question - and you yourself, do you love yourself or not? Do you most often praise yourself or scold yourself? Good luck.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana