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Why do people often mistake simple carnal desire or the desire to avoid loneliness as love? It seems to me because they do not know how to read the signals of true love. And yet they are not able to send these signals themselves. Imagine, this can and should be learned.Someone may say that all this is nonsense, and if there is no love, then you will not show it with any signals. That's it. But we will not touch on this difficult case. Because the manifestation of artificial care and simulated sympathy, a planned game of feelings and sex according to Kamastura have nothing to do with real signals of love.
Each of us can read the signals of true love without error, because they do not come from the mind, not from the desire to win sympathy or prove oneself, but from a selfless desire to protect, to make his life more beautiful, better and more enjoyable. We've seen this kind of selfless giving before. This is the love of a mother for a child, who loves this creature not because it behaves well and does not pee in pants. But because it simply exists in this world. To receive such love is the dream of every person. Most of the time, this is what we strive for. RECEIVE. And we do not think that an important condition for true love is our ability to experience this feeling in relation to someone. Feeling without conditions and without parameters of obligation.
In order to be capable of selfless love, it is not enough to want to get a profitable and successful partner. You have to become a person of a certain level of development. The most important property of this personality is the ability GIVE AWAY. In order to give something away, you need to have it, develop it in yourself, grow it, comprehend it, realize it. And now this is art. And some people don't get it right away. Sometimes through a lot of trial and error and thousands of disappointments. There are, however, exceptions: someone is lucky and he shows the ability to disinterested true love right away.
It is not so difficult to understand whether this is typical for you. The most important thing in true love signals is direction. It is always directed not at itself, but at the object and in the name of the object. It is spontaneous and disinterested, because it comes from the heart.
Once a grandfather Sigmund Freud with his doctrine of the unconscious and any human behavior hopelessly simplified the concept of love. However, his teaching turned out to be so tenacious that we still test it in the practice of our relationships and take it into service in the manifestation of feelings. The clash of the "pleasure principle" and the "reality principle", the unconscious and the conscious, "I want" and "I cannot" leads, according to Freud, to neuroses and relationship problems. The psychologist attributed love attachment to sexual desire, libido, which has one goal - sexual intimacy and sexual satisfaction. “Love is basically as animal now as it was from time immemorial,” wrote Z. Freud.
However, such narrowness of ideas inevitably leads to another problem - neurosis from a lack of spiritual closeness, community and unity.
It turned out that a person feels more unhappy not from a lack of sex, but from dissatisfaction with the need for relevance, significance and closeness. Each of us, as a social being, cannot live without closeness to other people, without attention to himself. Anyone, even negative. When others around us are indifferent, we suffer. And in every way we try to compensate for the lack of attention. Each in their own way. Someone with the help of sexual victories, someone in search of material bonuses. We also bring a note of materiality into close relationships, choosing a partner not to our liking, but according to certain parameters: we want him to be provided for, have an education, a certain height, appearance, income, etc.
The tricky question of love
We ask ourselves the question: “What do I like about him?” And we find quite definite material answers: “He is smart, kind, clean, honest, intelligent, educated, etc.” And we ourselves do not suspect that at this moment we are signing the verdict of our own. Because in case of a discrepancy with the listed set of qualities, we will inevitably be disappointed. This entire price list is an indicator of our claims and evidence of our commercialism, that is, the focus of our love exclusively on ourselves. It is for us that all these qualities are important, and we are glad that we finally found them in someone in order to satisfy our ambitions and needs in the presence of just such a person nearby. It satisfies our vanity, our material need for security, status, presence nearby, etc.Having got it, we try our best to keep it near us. And we start a beautiful game "what a wonderful couple" or "how we love each other." And we diligently play the roles, proving to each other and others that we love and are loved. Such "love" tends to demand, wait, put forward ultimatums, defiantly show feelings and wait for a retaliatory landing. For this, it is simply necessary role cues. Which?
Everyone has their own love signals:
flowers;
sweets;
words;
poetry;
gifts;
notes;
coffee in bed;
money;
scratching heels in the morning;
oral sex in the evenings, etc. etc.
The variations are countless. And we all know about them. We have seen it many times in movies, read about it in books. We store thousands of models tested by someone in our brains. And we come up with our own proofs of love.
And it's fine, even if it's borrowed from fiction. Great if it is a signal of true love. Imagine, the signals are the same!
Only the message is radically opposite. You will break your head, where is the real, and where is the artificial. How to distinguish them? And you try.
If it's about role play in love We do our best to:
Prove your feeling.
Keep your partner in a tone of interest.
Don't disappoint.
Provoke a return.
Make you feel guilty, fear of loss.
Surprise and amaze.
Show your dependence on him "I'll die without you!", thereby tying him.
Fill his whole life with himself (always there, control and total participation).
Change, make it better, re-educate.
Sacrifice yourself for him (a sophisticated form of emotional slavery).
Raise the bar to make him get better, grow.
To be a half of the whole, proving the impossibility of existence apart.
The signal of true love will be:
Showing attention to your partner.
Sensitivity to his condition and desire to help.
The desire to show him how important he is to us.
Recognition of its value.
Take care of him, not yourself.
The desire to cheer, console, make believe in yourself, support.
Tolerance, acceptance as he is, help in the manifestation of the best qualities.
Satisfaction, modesty and unpretentiousness (lack of requirements and conditions).
Awareness of oneself as a whole, regardless of the partner. Independence, self-sufficiency, independence, self-confidence.
The main question that we must ask ourselves in order to find true love and learn to recognize its real signals should sound not this way: "Where can I find a partner who will love me for real, without conditions?" or “How to GET love?” AND like this: "How capable am I of true love?" or “Can I GIVE?” The question of what kind of partner should be relegated to second place. Sometimes a person has illusions about himself and his love all his life, thinking that love is a series of demands, dissolving in another and sacrificing oneself.
Any victim is a territory of dependence. “Those who feel dependent sooner or later begin to hate their partner, because they can neither live according to their own beliefs, nor treat their partner openly and sincerely,” wrote the Swiss psychologist Mark Luscher. “Those who have not internally become self-sufficient and independent remain unfree. He lives in an inner prison that kills all love."
True love is far from demanding. This is a mature need to GIVE just like that, without demanding anything in return. This is the "joy of generosity," as OSHO said.
7 stages of a relationship between a man and a woman
Relations between a man and a woman always go through certain stages, starting from the brightest and most praised stage of falling in love, then going through painful crises, and, ultimately, coming to long-awaited love.
However, not all couples come to true love, parting in the most difficult, crisis moments of the relationship, thinking that love has already ended. In fact, it hasn't even started. After all, you still need to grow up to it!
Often people run into the same problems, asking very similar questions and describing almost identical situations. In order not to answer in detail to each individually and not to repeat myself, I decided to answer this article on the stages of a relationship between lovers.
The article is self-diagnostic.
After reading it, you will be able to determine at what stage your relationship is now., and what needs to be done to go through this stage correctly, maintaining relationships, and move on to another, deeper and more perfect stage.
So, the stages of the relationship between a man and a woman are as follows.
1. Falling in love
This is the brightest stage. It is to her that all love songs are dedicated, it is about her that playwrights write and poets praise her in their poems. I think that this stage is familiar to absolutely all couples. In the people it is also called the “candy-bouquet period”.
Symptoms:
- Relationships are full of passion, tenderness and promises. It is at this moment that the loudest words of love sound, because people see in each other only the best, purest and brightest.
- There is a lot of mystery, mystery, uncertainty in the relationship, which also fuels the interest of partners in each other.
- The man is trying to win over the woman, and the woman is trying to attract the man even more.
- Most often, it is at this moment that one of the partners, or both, may have a strong feeling that my soulmate has finally been found, and now we will be happy all our lives. This is a state of inspiration and weightlessness.
- From the point of view of physiology, during this period, certain hormones are secreted in the body, which are responsible for a feeling of bliss and happiness. Therefore, here the expression “drunk in love” is very justified.
It's important to realize:
- Along with pleasant moments, relationships are also full of illusions. When a couple first meets, each partner tries to be a little better than he really is. He shows all his strengths, the best character traits, hiding some imperfections and shortcomings. Tries to be as attractive as possible. A woman looks beautiful, thereby attracting the attention of a man, while a man tries to prove his worth, self-confidence, caring for a woman in all possible ways.
Need to do:
- Not to lose my head, to be vigilant and reasonable, despite my strong feelings and the feeling that this is the love of my life. In a word - to distinguish your feelings from the voice of reason.
- Before you let your partner get too close, you need to ask yourself a few questions. For a man For example, these questions could be:
- am I ready to take responsibility for this woman,
Are we suitable for each other?
- What exactly attracted me to her besides her appearance,
- what do we have in common
- Do I see her as a wife and mother of my children,
Why do I need this relationship?
AND for woman the following:
Is a man worthy before me,
Will he be able to support our family?
- do I see him as my husband,
Will he be a good father?
Is he ready to take responsibility?
How serious are his intentions?
Why do I need this relationship?
These questions will help you sober your head a little and look at each other sensibly.
The duration of this period is different for all couples. It usually ends when the partners begin to feel some weakening of passion.
2. Addictive
Stormy emotions are replaced by a calm realization that the lovers are now together.
Symptoms:
- During this period, feelings begin to slowly fade away, there is no longer such a strong passion. In a word, the partners get used to each other, and everything no longer seems as fantastic as before. There may no longer be a feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” and such a gleam in the eyes at the sight of each other.
- Some of the partners may notice some weakening of interest and cooling.
It's important to realize:
- Most often, at the stage of falling in love, feelings and emotions are involved first of all. And feelings, as you know, weaken and dull over time.
- As an example, imagine that you are being treated to your favorite candy. How many candies can you eat at a time? Well, two, three, okay, ten! And you still offer to eat. After a while you will say - "Well, no, thanks, I've had enough of your sweets."
Or you like skydiving. What if you jump every day? How many days will you last, how many days in a row will this pleasure bring you?
It's the same with relationships. Sooner or later, but the partners are somewhat fed up with each other, no matter how good they are together. - Those couples who are connected by nothing but feelings can already at this stage disperse. For example, a guy meets a girl. But if he does not have serious intentions towards her, then after a short time he will meet someone else, because this girl will get bored. If the relationship is built only on the platform of feelings (that is, on getting pleasure from each other) and there is no reasonableness (that is, the intention to create a family with this person), then the couple disperses as soon as they are fed up with each other, and as soon as some minor household problems or the need to take responsibility.
Need to do:
- Calmly perceive all these symptoms, do not panic and do not attack your partner with claims and resentments from the category - “Why is it not like it was before?”.
- Do not focus only on your partner, take time for yourself too. Mind your own business if your partner wants to be alone for a while. It is good if the couple consciously goes through these stages, and both know what is happening in the relationship right now, and that this is natural.
3. Finding flaws
This is a testing period. People begin to see in each other not only positive aspects, but also negative ones. If at the stage of falling in love the partner seemed just an ideal, angelic incarnation, then all sorts of flaws that had previously been carefully hidden begin to come out. Often this comes as a surprise to the couple.
Symptoms:
- Doubts creep in about the correct choice of partner.
- The suspicion that the partner has been fooling around all this time, hiding his shortcomings.
- It begins to seem that the partner seems to have been replaced.
It's important to realize:
- Nobody is perfect and everyone has their flaws.
Need to do:
- Calmly note some negative, imperfect manifestations of the personality of another person. It is best if none of the partners will keep dissatisfaction in themselves, thereby not leading to resentment and conflict, but will immediately report their indignation to another.
And it is very important to know exactly how to do it. It is correct to speak about your indignation in the “I-message” format, that is, to speak only about your feelings and experiences.
Example.
You don't like your partner not answering the phone. You calmly tell him when the moment is right - “My dear, when I call you and you do not answer, I begin to worry if everything is all right with you. After all, I am really looking forward to you when you arrive, but you are still absent and absent, and you do not take the phone. And I start to worry, get nervous.” This way you do not blame the person, but talk about your feelings when he does this.
If you understand that there is some character trait in your partner that is unlikely to change, then you need to start accepting it by changing your attitude towards it.
4. Quarrels
The shortcomings that we cannot accept in any way in each other lead to constant quarrels and conflicts. This is the most difficult stage in a relationship that not all couples can go through.
Symptoms:
- You begin to notice the shortcomings of your partner and get offended, angry with him.
Example.
Suddenly, a woman notices a man munching at the table, and this begins to irritate her greatly: “My God, how loud is he munching, why didn’t I notice this before?” And he actually always champed, but while there was love, the woman simply did not notice this.
And the man begins to annoy that his woman, when she walks around the apartment, loudly snorts her slippers: “Yes, how much you can snort! Somehow I didn’t notice this for her before ... ".
It's important to realize:
- This is exactly the stage of the relationship that requires the couple to be able to negotiate and seek compromises. Often people cannot make concessions for the sake of another, and then some little thing can turn into a scandal or slowly undermine the trunk of a relationship for many years. At this stage, couples often get stuck for a long time, maybe not even a lifetime. Quarrels, one way or another, lead to reconciliation and return the couple to the period of falling in love. Then they again come to quarrels, reconcile again, then quarrel again, and so on. Thus, the couple jumps from stage 4 to stage 1, then again goes through stages 2 and 3, reaches 4, and again to the 1st. So they live, they fight, they fall in love.
- It is very important not to offend! If the insult is nevertheless committed, then after some time the couple may notice that the feelings are gradually fading away, nothing more connects with this person. It is even necessary to quarrel without losing respect for each other and not allowing insults.
Need to do:
- If it is important for a woman that a man does not champ, then what should a man do?
- Just don't slurp.
If a man asks not to snort loudly with slippers, then what should a woman do?
- Don't scurry.
Everything is simple in fact, if it were not for our egoism. If a couple overcomes selfishness, then it has every chance of success. At this stage, there may already be a marriage. - There is such a law in relationships - we ignore the bad, we notice the good. That is, we ignore the negative manifestations and pay attention to the positive manifestations. Thus, emphasizing something good in each other, we grow this good even more, replacing the bad with it.
5. Respect
Symptoms:
- You have learned to respect the interests of your partner.
- You have learned to compromise.
- You have learned to work on yourself, make concessions and change for the better.
You think a lot about the welfare of your partner.
It's important to realize:
- A young couple should not get married before they are convinced that there is mutual respect between them. Respect means that we put the interests of the partner on a par with our own, and sometimes even above our own.
The word "respect" is derived from the Slavic word "respect" - attention. That is, when we are more attentive to a partner than to ourselves, this means that we respect him. From here begins the path to love, it is with respect, and not with falling in love. Falling in love is an illusion based on sexual energy.
Need to do:
- In order for respect to arise, you need to learn to listen to your partner. Don't shout, don't interrupt, just listen quietly. If you learn to listen attentively, then you will achieve deep respect.
6. Friendship
Here, relationships are built not only on a bodily basis, but also on a friendly one. The couple has already gone through so much together, each has made so many sacrifices for the other, that it is no longer so important who looks like.
Symptoms:
- It does not matter whether the wife has kept her beautiful waist or not, what is more important is what she has done for her husband and what she continues to do.
- More important is how well the partner understands, respects and helps.
It's important to realize:
- It is not that the wife ceased to attract her husband, and he found himself young and beautiful. No, he appreciates her not for her beauty, but for what she gave him, how much she did for him. Wife becomes best friend to her husband. However, if there was no respect, then there would be no friendship.
Need to do:
- The main work has already been done in the previous stages. The task of this stage is the awareness of the inner unity and goals that bind the couple.
7. Love.
If there was friendship, then people move on to true love. You can compare it to making soup. If you take it off the stove every time, without bringing it to readiness, and start cooking another one, then you will never taste soup. Relationships are the same: you need to choose one partner and go to the end with him, and not get divorced several times. When the relationship reaches this stage, the couple becomes as a whole, inseparable and very friendly.
It may seem very difficult to go through all these stages. But happiness is not easily achieved. Happiness is not cheap. Passing through all these stages, sometimes experiencing pain and suffering, a person is cleansed and enriched. Only in this way can we come to true love.
You might think that this level of relationship is unattainable, but it is not. A person needs to work on himself, and not on another, and then love will become achievable for everyone.
I hope that the article was useful for you, and you were able to navigate:
Where is your relationship with your lover right now?
- what stage was passed,
- and which one is still to be passed,
- and what you need to strive for on the path to love!
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Love is the most amazing and incomprehensible feeling. Logic is difficult to understand, you just need to accept the heart. We are all waiting for love, one and forever. The one about which books are written, pictures are drawn and films are made. And then, for some reason, we begin to look for flaws, throw tantrums and doubt: “Is this love?” Ta, you just need to be patient, strong and clearly aware that love has stages of development.
"Love at first sight" has yet to develop into love.
So far, there is only a look, interest, a flash, “butterflies in the stomach” and goosebumps. But this is not love yet, this is sympathy, passion and desire to possess.
True love must be built, developed, protected and created. Just like that, only passion is given, which simply disappears after a few months.
People are complex and everyone is different. When meeting, a guy and a girl, first of all, want to possess each other, and then they make every effort to bend their partner under them. After all, each of them is sure that he must be reckoned with, listen to him and live the way he lives. The second person is completely different. Therefore, he also bends his partner under him. A little time, and now two lovers become conflicted persons who are thinking of running away. He was not the one, and she was not the one at all. Why? Because both decided to drop the idea of building love and start from scratch.
A strong relationship is not a constant and a frozen axiom, it is a sea with different moods.
People change under the influence of changing relationships.
They wander in the psychological and spiritual world. Love loves to test, but the soul needs to be tempered. This is not “be patient, fall in love”, as we were taught in childhood. It will never be endured if everything started without “butterflies in the stomach”.
Love never goes away if it's true love. But the flower-bouquet period - yes. Or rather, the stage that bears such a name.
Eternal honeymoon only happens in books. But even the book has an end. But this does not mean that romance and passion will disappear.
Many couples break up because they think that their quarrels and conflicts are something abnormal, that they are losing love and mutual understanding. In reality, their relationship is “growing up”, and they are facing the stage of mutual and eternal love.
You need to learn to accept every step of love with gratitude and move forward in order to create a strong family.
What are these stages (stages)? How should one behave, what should one do in order to reach “eternal” love through many crises?
There are three global states:
- Honeymoon;
- lapping;
- love.
In fact, there are many more steps. We'll stop at seven. Just do not forget that all people are unique, therefore, relationships develop according to their own unique scenarios. But, nevertheless, the general stages can be distinguished. Some couples manage to “skip through” some stages, “get stuck” on others, and “not survive” to the third.
Candy-bouquet period
A "honeymoon" can last one month, or maybe a couple of years. This is the most fabulous and magical period.
People meet and fly to another planet. They withdraw from the whole world and enjoy intimacy. They do not need anyone, they are all distracted and annoying. Everyone except each other.
They have little touches, kisses, hugs. They crave to possess each other constantly, all 24 hours a day. They can't breathe each other. A man and a woman enjoy so much that everything seems perfect to them: voice, eyes, laughter, hands, shoulders. They are like gods to each other. They have no flaws, everything is fine. She is gentle and he is strong. He gives her flowers, and she faithfully kisses him on the temple. Compliments flow like water, and sex is more necessary than bread and water.
As you understand, this is the first stage, which means that before true love, you still have to swim and swim in the sea of feelings, on which there may be calm, or maybe a storm. It is foolish to think that the euphoria of the first stage will last a lifetime. On the other hand, you don't need to.
The first stage is good for everyone, except that there is no true love, but there is a desire to possess.
Your half is not a thing. You can have a new car and a new dress. And you need to love your half, be able to give yourself and put the interests of your partner above your own.
At the first stage, you should not immediately run to the registry office or have children. Wait, live through the next stages, and then make your choice.
Oversaturation
If you really like strawberries, then after tasting 10 kg per day, you will definitely earn allergies and soreness. Overeating is bad, but how can you stop at the first stage? Want to take a break from your partner? Do you want to run away to your friends and be without a soul mate for a while? This is fine. You have just reached the next stage.
Rest a bit and again want your “strawberries”. At this stage, you need to move away a little from the source of love. Just a little, just physically spend less time with him.
Remember that you haven’t called your parents for a long time, “scored” on household chores, and at work the boss is already looking askance. The main thing is not to think that love passes. She is getting stronger. At this stage, you can already devote half to your affairs, open your soul and often close your body.
This is an obligatory, necessary and inevitable step before reaching the apogee of Love. Often people disagree at the third stage of “rejection” and say that “everyday life ate love”. Yes, this is not life, but you yourself.
This stage is filled with total misunderstanding of each other. Suddenly it turns out that the partner begins to do everything wrong, to say the wrong thing, to act differently than before.
A man and a woman "breaking the chain" begin to see only each other's shortcomings and concentrate on them. Most easy way- run away. This is what the weak do, those who want to make their whole life a bouquet and candy period. The period of "sweets" will last, only the defendants will change. And as a result, what? Nearby there will be someone longing for the body and superficial relationships, and in the soul there will be emptiness and a feeling of loneliness.
In the Vedas, the first three stages belong to the lowest level. People who have love relationship end with the final of the third stage are limited and primitive. These people do not meet true love and they spend their lives chasing available prey.
Primitive people start from this stage and go into new connections with the same set of emotions, and with the same level of development.
Of course, easier for a man say another “love” set of standard compliments, and a woman seduce a man with a jagged pose and standard shooting eyes. It's like learning a few tricks and showing them to different audiences to loud applause. Do you want to be a “big top” on wheels and give concerts in the villages? Leave at this stage.
Patience
Survivors of the third stage are given a respite. Quarrels and conflicts occur, but they are not so violent and frequent.
Partners understand that it makes no sense to scandal, because they will still be together. They begin to show tenderness, care, more than a thirst to prove their case.
If both partners make every effort to build their “temple of love”, then patience and understanding will come as if by itself, and wisdom will follow.
Trust and respect
This stage can be called the beginning of love. Yes, yes, there was no true love until the fifth step.
Partners who have acquired wisdom, who have survived the typhoons of scandals, truly respect and appreciate each other.
We can say that they have already experienced so much that now they can walk together hand in hand. Trust each other completely, care, support, be faithful and truly love.
What is "Love"? Love - 💏 - is chemical reaction, spiritual impulse, the desire to be "as for stone wall”, or maybe a habit or affection?
In psychology, there is no single definition of love. After all, each person can interpret the definition of this feeling in his own way - this is a kind of setting that sets the behavioral model of the partner's relationship to the outside world or the object of love.
Love is a stupid thing done together.
Napoleon I Bonaparte
Love: Definition in terms of psychology
There are three completely contradictory interpretations of the concept of "Love":- Love is a state of being in love- disorders, akin to neurosis, when attention is weakened, vigilance is lost, a person becomes "detached from this world."
Love is an internal drug when the brain releases the hormones of pleasure, dopamine, sensation and serenity.
Love is a painless habit, the human need to feel loved, to give these wonderful emotions to others, to be happy and satisfied.
Psychologists say that true love is like love for a child, an indicator of a pure soul, dedication to the end, care and renunciation, this cannot be understood with the head, only felt by the heart.
Love is an objective concept, for one to love is to give gifts, for another it is to sympathize and empathize, and for the third it is to give life without delay. It is sometimes very difficult to take and explain this feeling in words.
What are the stages of love?
In total, there are 7 stages that love goes through, they may not occur for everyone, but they take place:- Love- a short period when lovers plunge into a state of euphoria, they notice only all the good things, they do not see negative sides each other, but everything ends quickly when people start living together or plan a wedding, face domestic troubles;
Satiation- lovers begin to “evaluate their love” differently, coexistence begins, which can lead to separation or unity;
Disgust- a real test for lovers, they become selfish, reciprocity disappears, without this stage it is impossible to step into another world, the true awareness of love;
Humility- lovers begin to adequately look at each other, accept their soul mate as a separate person, with all the vices and shortcomings, a period of self-improvement, improvement and mutual understanding begins;
Service– people completely immerse themselves in the world of bliss, the personification of wisdom and piety, support each other in any endeavors;
Friendship- accepting each other as a close person, lovers devote more time to their soul mate, get to know themselves anew, build new relationships full of madness;
Love– partners have come a long way, have learned to appreciate and love truly, now they perceive each other as a whole, without mercantile attitudes and cunning tricks!
Want to do memorable gift to your beloved husband/boyfriend? Give him a book "" - he will be delighted with such a gift, believe me!
It is especially important to realize the fact that love does not ask for anything - this feeling gives warmth, spiritual harmony and pleasure. If there is a blind love addiction, then you need to get rid of it, no matter how difficult it would be at first!
Such feelings make the partner be with the chosen one all the time, jealous, forgiving even in the most difficult cases, which will ultimately lead to the destruction of the personality and even fatal death.
What do famous psychologists say about the definition of the word "Love"?
Sternberg: The Results of Combining the Components of Love
Sternberg believed that this feeling can carry an objective load in three semantic components: attraction, passion and responsibility to oneself and the other half.Ideal love is the one in which all these components merge together, feelings become strong and inflammable!
What does E. Fromm say about the definition of love?
He considers love a momentary feeling that appears in moments of great joy, the motivation of feelings can be fear of loneliness, in rare manifestations - sadism.According to E. Fromm, love is like a business deal, to love is to take and give in full, open up, dedicate your secrets and let love and experiences into your innermost world. To be strong, not to let feelings take their course, to control the process, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.
In place of the first stormy outbursts of emotions, courageous and lasting feelings come that help keep the raft of love afloat, and not let it break on the rocks of enmity, hatred, constant quarrels and scandals.
A.V. Petrovsky argues differently
He describes love, as external manifestations of feelings, available for observation to everyone. The way a person changes outwardly when a feeling of attachment to another appears, renounces his former life and begins to commit crazy actions. Love is conditioned by intimate desires, implies sincerity and openness to each other.If there is a lie, then this is not love, but the shameless exploitation of someone else's trust, fraudulent actions, sometimes thoughtless. Feelings should be replaced by actions, but at the same time testify to the same thing. If I love, then it manifests itself in all respects.
Video: Psychologists of our time about what "Love" is
Psychologist Natalya Tolstaya
Love is like a chemical reaction
Lovers like to be together, the production of various hormones is triggered, which lead to crazy actions, euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, a change in reality around.Love drives you crazy, the brain begins to produce dopamine in excess, a state of satisfaction appears. A person commits thoughtless acts, sometimes is not able to adequately assess the result.
These "aggressive" hormones long time do not live, the phase of insanity quickly ends, and love passes into another metamorphosis - affection, understanding, trust, unity, and so on.
The desire to fall in love is not love. But the fear of falling in love is already love.
Etienne Rey
The hormone of love, oxytocin, plays a key role in the psychology of the behavior of lovers, as they say, if you feel good, then I feel great too! Love is the complete surrender of oneself in exchange for the truth of the feelings of another.
Such chemical element helps to build relationships, binds the bonds of love of family, friends, helps to curb the true feeling inside. Such a change in the psychology of behavior changes life for the better, inspires a sense of trust in others. This method can treat the state of neurosis in patients.
What is first love?
Are these vivid memories or a lesson for life? Many argue that first love is doomed to failure. Parents do not betray the importance of such a hobby for their children, adults often secretly sigh when they remember their first love, sometimes considering it the truest and most sinless.The first relationship between a man and a woman can be both negative and positive! The most important thing is to learn the right lesson from this situation, not dwell on the bad, move forward and build new happy relationships without looking back.
Psychologists say this about it:
- First love is the first personal relationship between a female and a male, which is based on contact actions on the part of each other, the first emotions are actively manifested - a feeling of love, hatred, anger, jealousy, resentment;
- the lover remains alone with his experiences, trying to make an adequate decision on what to do next, sometimes the first experiences are so strong that they do not allow the lover to step over this period of life and move on to a new relationship;
- in the first love there are only feelings, all definitions of status go by the wayside (material wealth, car, real estate, etc.);
- lovers cannot accept the circumstances that have arisen sensibly, sometimes they cannot cope with the wave of surging experiences;
- the meaning of first love is to learn how to manage emotions, contact with the opposite sex, create your own system of behavior for the successful completion of the next relationship.
We always believe that our first love is our last and our last love- the first.
George John White-Melville
The first love is able to form persistent ideas about the feeling of love in the future. It is very important to bring a positive emotional experience out of this situation, and not to spoil your personal life with painful memories.
Often there is an illusion that if you return your first love, then youth will return with it, but you need to live in the present, not the past, because only here and now you can change something in your life, become truly happy and successful.
What myths about love "erase" the knowledge of psychology
Love at first sight - is it real?
Love from the second, third ... look can be bright, rich, inspired and unique. Psychologists often consider such situations when a person believes that this is his true soul mate, and then he meets another, and the world turns upside down again.The object of love is one for all years and all ages!
The first love seems to be the only one, but then the second comes and the feelings are ignited again... In the world, 25% of suicides are due to the fact that many rivals compete for the favor of "one love". So for whom is she really the only one?In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy.
Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
Every person has a soul mate, the main thing is to see it in the crowd of numerous passers-by and not miss it, so as not to violate the agreement on eternal and happy love.
You cannot live in a world where love is absent, when the other half is completely indifferent to you, because the time will come when true love will appear, and one of the partners will remain “overboard”, in a sea of tears and sad illusions.
There are at least a million options to meet your soulmate, perhaps for this you need to change your place of residence, social circle, work, study, but the choice will be made, and the probability of a successful one is quite high.
Does eternal love exist?
Psychologists do not make loud statements on this subject, and the thought of a lover can live for a long period, but the foundations of family life can change these ideas. The higher the need for love, the more acute this problem is.Most often, love is interpreted as respect, trust, understanding of each other, often a person falls in love several times, because he was not lucky enough to find his ideal. In fact, not everything is so simple, you need to move forward, not dwell on imaginary fantasies and erroneous ideals.
It is difficult to think sensibly under the influence of the hormone of love, but you simply must draw a conclusion and live on!
Is it possible to get married without love?
Is there always love when creating a marriage, but it is worth noting that the intensity of passions also cannot guarantee a strong relationship and a successful union. So where to look for the golden half? How to be happy without love?Yes, marriage without feelings is sad, but on the other hand, as the French novelist Begbeder noted, love lives for three years, and after that a trusting contact is established, a relationship that will keep the couple together, or lead to separation.
Problems in the field of love can arise due to the fact that everyone interprets this feeling in their own way. In psychology, there is no one right decision on how to define love, there are many varieties of it.
Perhaps today you will love your other half as a brother / sister, friend, and tomorrow that igniting feeling will come that will allow you to create a strong and happy family for many years to come. Love will be sung as a divine feeling, a bright transformation of life, driving you crazy.
Love is joy, understanding each other without words, mutual satisfaction, in this case, we can talk about strong further family ties, and the birth of children will become a magical unity of this marriage.
"Invented" love
If relationships between people arise against the background of internal emptiness, or the replacement of one partner by another, then they can be called dependent, and most often doomed to a sad existence.This is serious psychological problem, not everyone can withstand such responsibility, in such relationships there is no free choice, most often such individuals remain lonely and unhappy for life.
Don't be afraid of the smart ones. When love comes, brains turn off.
Elena Zhidkova
“Feelings are the elements of actions that are not subject to anyone!”
In such a field, betrayals, mistrust, suffering, meanness and the destruction of such a wonderful feeling as love can arise.
You need to learn to love and be happy without any conditions, like a mother loves a child, she plunges into this state with her head and does not set any selection criteria for herself.
If there is an emptiness in the soul, then you first need to understand yourself why this happened, and not fill it with someone on the basis of rash actions. Until a person loves himself, accepts him with all the shortcomings and contradictions, hardly anyone will do it for him.
But love is still there!
This boundless and inspiring feeling helps to deal with many difficulties, solve serious problems, create comfort and coziness of a family nest, give birth to children, take care of others, and so on.Love is not chosen, it is coming once and for all! And not only psychologists think so. What do you think about such a feeling as love?
How often, after a few months of a relationship, a partner declares that he is madly in love with the other half and ready to spend the rest of your life?
Can a relationship that lasts several months be called true love?
Psychologists say that the true feeling of love comes only after years of living together and on the way to it. couple goes through several stages. What are the stages of love in a relationship?
How to build a relationship with a guy at a distance? help you!
Is it true that there are seven stages of real feeling?
According to psychologists, every couple goes through several stages of a relationship. on the way to a real and deep love feeling.
Each stage can take a different time period, it depends on the depth of affection for each other, on the similarity of character, temperaments and some other features of the relationship.
Psychologists have developed a template consisting of seven stages that almost every child goes through. married couple. Of course, it is impossible to fit all relations, without exception, under this template, for each partner everything is individual.
The relationship of some couples is characterized by cyclicality: after passing through the three initial stages, the couple can return to the first stage, inflaming each other with new feelings and reviving a new round of love.
About the stages of development of love in psychology in this video:
Stages and their characteristics
There are 7 steps that couples in love overcome on the way to a real feeling of love. Every stage characterized by its own characteristics.
How to forget first love? Learn about it from ours.
Love
And the candy-bouquet period. The duration of the very first stage of falling in love usually about a year or a year and a half.
At this time, partners do not notice shortcomings, they are blinded by a strong feeling of love, everything seems wonderful and beautiful to them in the character of a loved one.
The beloved appears in the most unreal light when no attention is paid to negative character traits.
Scientists who have studied the first period of a relationship have given it the name "love chemistry." At this time, hormones, oxytocin and endorphin, are actively produced, completely capturing the consciousness of lovers.
Actively produced substances suppress attempts at rational thinking and block the appearance of negative emotions. Man is completely taken over euphoria in love.
Partners try to spend every free time together, communicate a lot, call up, often confess their love. Their vocabulary is half composed of affectionate and tender words addressed to a loved one.
Most often, this stage ends with the registration of marriage, because people “fly on the wings of love” and want to legalize their relationship as soon as possible in order to indicate their status to society.
What stages does a person in love go through? About it in the video:
Satiation
After marriage and the beginning of a life together, the stage of satiety usually comes. The initial strong love begins to subside, hormones no longer rage, and brain function resumes as normal.
Each of the partners begins to pay more attention to other areas of their lives, wants to communicate with friends, work closely.
In this period the first conflicts begin.
Often they are associated with the fact that one of the lovers has already switched to new stage love, while the second partner still remained at the stage of falling in love.
He wants to spend a lot of time with his beloved and begins to take offense, not meeting more such impulses on his part. Conducting a joint life turns love into something ordinary and familiar, a loved one is always there, so there is satiety.
It is during this period that partners begin to discover each other's shortcomings. This is not because negative character traits were carefully hidden before, but because of the resumption of normal brain function, not burdened by the release of hormones and endorphins.
Most often, the saturation period takes a very short period of time and is invisible to the spouses themselves. Sometimes it can change places with the first stage of falling in love, especially if newborns appear in this period in a newly-made family.
Disgust
The third stage starts a real difficult test for a relationship, as the period of disgust comes into its own.
The "pink" perception of the partner is replaced real assessment of his character.
It turns out that the beloved has many shortcomings that begin to lead to irritation and rage.
Cute features no longer seem so funny and interesting, they they start to freak out. During this period, dignity fades into the background and becomes almost invisible.
Spouses must go through the stage of disgust in order to reach the state of true love. Without this stage, the onset of true feelings is impossible.
The duration of the period of disgust in each family is individual, the lucky ones experience unpleasant feelings for each other for only a few months, and for some it drags on for years, sometimes being replaced by the above steps of relations.
The period of disgust is the richest in quarrels, scandals and conflicts. Each partner shows himself from the most unattractive side, saying a large number of claims and pointing out the significant shortcomings of a loved one.
With the advent of each new day, it seems that the person with whom you share life is not the one who was needed. It is at this stage that many realize that they no longer want to go through life hand in hand, this realization is followed by divorce.
Many couples go around in circles, constantly going through the three stages and not moving on. For this reason, ex-spouses often get back together and even marry again, because they are attracted to each other.
How to overcome the stage of disgust in a relationship? Helpful hints:
Humility
If the couple managed to overcome the general disgust, a more pleasant period begins - humility.
People living together understand that it is impossible to change another person that he is an accomplished person with his own set of advantages and disadvantages. They try to accept each other.
The partners’ apartment no longer looks like a battlefield, where fierce battles take place every day, but like a meeting room, where conscious dialogues are most often heard and the word “compromise” is regularly heard.
It is at this stage that the spouses begin to go to a psychologist, read smart books, trying to understand each other. Each partner understands that in order to create a harmonious union, first of all, he must work on himself, and only then ask for compromise changes from his beloved.
People begin to change so that coexistence becomes more comfortable. It is believed that humility and the manifestation of patience especially for women as more wise and flexible by nature.
Most often, it is the spouse who pushes the man to the stage of humility, showing by her example how to adapt to each other.
Respect
After the stage of humility comes respect, selfless service to a partner.
If earlier lovers did something pleasant for each other, expecting the same attitude in return, now good deeds become disinterested.
People seek to please only because the other half is respected, because she is precious.
At this stage of movement towards true love, the soul itself is eager to please the partner. People truly value each other and are imbued with respect.
Spouses serve each other completely voluntarily getting great pleasure from the fact that the other half is happy. Sometimes one of the partners is already moving to the stage of respect, and the second one is delayed at the previous stage.
By selfless deeds, the spouse, who has crossed a new line, pushes the beloved to move to the stage of respect.
The first sign of emerging true love is the desire for sincere and selfless service to a partner.
Friendship
Friendship replaces the stage of respect. Usually, by this period, the couple experienced many life difficulties that were solved shoulder to shoulder.
Partners know each other from hair roots to fingertips, they know each other's character, habits and temperament.
They get out of conflict situations without noisy showdowns, it is enough for them to talk and everything will be decided peacefully.
This stage can continue for years and decades, when the spouses find peace of mind in a shared society.
Most often it comes when the children grow up and the spouses have more time for joint activities and entertainment.
They can finally devote much more time to each other than before, when small children needed them every minute.
Love
Few make it to the very last peak, which is called love. Many break down at the stage of disgust and cannot reach the true feeling. Couple on the stairs of love understands each other perfectly, partners breathe and live in unison.
Joint society gives them pleasure and brings peace. Spouses accept each other completely, with all the advantages and disadvantages.
No more naughty hormones, no longer annoying flaws, they flattened and outweighed by virtues which are becoming more and more pronounced.
If people have reached this stage, having overcome all difficulties, having stepped over the stage of disgust, they can say with all their courage that they truly love each other.
How does love live? Ingenious psychological cartoon:
Through the eyes of psychologists
The original ardent love actually still far from true love. In our society, the concepts of "falling in love" and "love" are often confused.
Far from all couples get to true love, someone lacks the patience and strength to overcome all the obstacles that appear on the way. Many get stuck in the stages of disgust, unable to reach humility and calm passions.
Such couples break up most of the time. This can happen forever, but in some cases, the partners converge again, returning the first stage of falling in love.
They begin to go through all the stages again, again getting to disgust, which leads to a new separation, or is successfully overcome a second time.
Maintaining good relationships very hard work which is not available to everyone.
On the way to true love, there are a large number of obstacles that must be overcome in order to find peace and tranquility in the family.
All happy couples once went through the stages of satiety and disgust in order to "grow" great love from a seed to each other.
Is there love in the distance? find out right now.
Is it true that love lasts 3 years? Find out from the video: